a skolarly treetis on wot can and cant klime treez
Posted by jamesviscosi on July 17, 2008
hello nice reederz its dennis the vizsla dog it seemz there haz ben sum reesent confyoozhun abowt wot can and cant clime treez and so i hav prepard this skolarly treetis to kleer this matter up wunse and for all ok heer goze
furst we hav the infamus flopsie also nown as a bunny rabbit as wuz previusly demonstrated flopsies cannot klime treez becuz there front paws ar reedikulusly small and they ar all hunchbaks altho they cannot klime treez they can klime stares and ar offen fownd employd as bell ringers in larj gothik cherches
nekst we hav the day gekko gekkos can indeed klime treez and pretty much ennything els they are also nown to klime to the upper eshelons of wall street furms ware they engaje in varius forms of unethical stock markit trading and — wot??? oh mama sez this is a troo fire skink not a gekko well i stil think it engajes in insider trading ennyway
nekst up ar the small monsters from the famus dokyoomentry cloverfeeld theez horrid kreechers are nown to skuttel along seelings and up the sides of bildings so they can sertinly klime a tree they ar verry danjerus and shood be avoyded at all costs
owr nekst kreecher is the gofer normaly gofers cannot klime treez howevr as yoo can see this gofer haz obtaynd a jet pak allowing him to fly to areaz normally inaksesibl to gofers this is just anuther reezon why i must kontinyoo my kwest to find the hidden kingdum of the gofers before they tayk ovr the wurld
mooving on heer we hav sum pretty fish they cannot klime treez becuz they liv in the water but if yoo were to push a tree into the water then they cud swim arownd in it howevr that duz not kownt for owr purpuses
nekst is a weerd see blob thingie that mama and dada fownd at feeesta iland i dont no wot the hek this thing is but it sertinly cant klime treez
oh jeeperz this wun is waring tree kliming geer!!!!
nekst is famus moovie star winnie the pooh winnie the pooh can kleerly klime treez but rekwires a latter to do so also he warez a funny hat and appeerz to be sum sort of eksibishonist as he iz not waring enny pants but wot can yoo ekspect frum thoze hollywud types
this is a panda bare frum the mithical land of china i dont no if it can klime treez or not but isnt it kyoot?????? the panda bare is nown wurldwide as the wwf maskot it has fawt menny lejendery matches aginst the likes of hulk hogan and andre the jiant and has wun them all
this is a jiraff jiraffs cannot klime treez but then agin there neks are over three miles long and so they dont need to
this is a grownd skwirrel however despite its name this kreecher is nown to klime treez and steel almonds peeches and uther froot they are also nown to sit in hi branches tawnting dogs hoo are down below barking at them nasty evil wikid skwirrels i hayt them sooooooo much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh sorry i lost my sientific detachment for a moment their ok mooving on …
theez are see liuns they ar just like regyoolar liuns eksept they dont hav manes and dont liv in africa and dont hunt wildabeest and dont hav arms and legs and arnt cats but uther than that they ar identical oh also see lions cant klime treez but african liuns can
this is spiderman he is nown to do wotever a spider can he spins a web any size and catches theeves just like flies spiderman can of korse klime ennything he wants to and — oh no luk owt spiderman wot is that behind you??????
aw darn it there goze spiderman and as yoo can see trixie isnt enny help at all well ennyway this brings us to owr nekst kreecher the ninja hedjhog wich like spiderman can klime pretty much ennything it wants too
and heer is owr last kreecher trouble the kitty wile sum peepul beleev kitties can klime treez i hav never seen enny evidense that they can klime ennything the only thing trouble the kitty has ever klimed is the kowntertop to get fud so kleerly the beleef that kitties can klime treez is just a silly mith
well their yoo hav it a skolarly treetis on wot can and cant klime treez i hope this has ben enlitening for evrywun so just remember the next time yoo heer sumthing mooving arownd in a tree it cud be a weerd sea blob kreecher or it cud be spiderman or it cud evn be a gofer with a jet pak but probly its just a ninja hedjhog gitting reddy to kill yoo ok bye
goodbear said
the pantless winnie the pooh thing really cracked me up.
pretty much all this stuff i knew, except the panda’s pro-wrestling history. that was a surprise. and thanks for confirming my suspicions about the unscrupulous geckos. what punks!
Daisy said
Oh my!It was a very enlightening disseration on tree climbing creatures and I commend you! However, it is causing me some distress!! i hope that there is not a ninja hedgehog in the orange tree in the backyard!! there are squirels there tho. Maybe I could get the jetpack off the gopher and climb trees too!
Patrick and Jackson said
Thank you for the great education. You sure do find some interesting pictures for examples.
Kathryn said
Whew Dennis, what an education. I am so glad to know that gophers wear jet packs. Now I can look for them in my trees. Just another thing for Jonesy to bark at.
Gina said
Dennis you kept very scientifically detached throughout.
I’m proud of you! What a great lesson. The parts that made me laugh out loud:
the tree in the water for the fish to climb but “that doesn’t count for our purposes”
your comparison of sea lions and African lions
Hilarious LOL stuff!
S. Le said
I only found one error in your essay… gophers (otherwise known as woodchucks) CAN climb trees even without jet packs and are the subterranean cousin of the squirrel!
Giraffes EAT trees.
Very interesting essay, pup! I didn’t know hedgehogs grew to that size and were the evil nemesis of Spider-Man. I see a movie sequel coming! Spider-Man vs the Ninja Hedgehogs! Blockbuster!
Rocket said
Dennis one day your blog is going to be required reading at UCLA
Daisy said
Mom says its already required reading at BYO!
Rusty said
Dennis! You are so smart! I hate squirrels too, they ARE evil. I understand how you could loose your scientific detachment for a second there. But you caught yourself and got right back to it. YOU ROCK!
Barklove,
Rusty
twobarkingdogs said
Dennis, Have you been hitting the sauce again?
lavenderbay said
Evil geckos climbing the walls on Wall Street? Dennis, it sounds like you know how to raise a skink.
Jennifer said
Dennis, I am glad you enlightened me about all this. I had previously only been concerned about squirrels and raccoons in trees, since those are the only two things I’ve ever seen in a tree. Say, do birds count as tree-climbers, or just tree-sitters?
a skolarly treetis on how bunneez mite be eeting yore froot treez « Dennis’s Diary of Destruction said
[...] off the grownd for them to reech yoozing normal meenz like stretching and yet it is well nown that bunneez cannot climb treez so theirfore with my keen observayshuns and uncanny deduktiv abiliteez i hav compiled this skolarly [...]
In the Hall of the Gopher King « Dennis’s Diary of Destruction said
[...] and anthropology since my award-winning treatise in which, among other things, I revealed that gophers cannot climb trees. But before we can enter this wondrous and forbidden kingdom, my graduate assistant Mutt makes a [...]
Miss Sophie said
Well Mr. Dennis Sir, Thank you for the treetis. I don’t think dogs can climb trees either? Me thinks those roots I climbed where as far as you go, I think George fibbed to me and anyway I’m not sure I’d want to go all the way up after reading your treetis, I do like other creatures (unlike George who chases everything) but the risk of a Girafee eating you is far too scary. Also I think the branches could not take the weight of a large headed Rottweiler like George, I am more tree climbing shape but I’d rather stay on the ground.
Velvety Kissies
Sophie