Dining In

“Waiter, I need a napkin.”

Compound It!

I mentioned a while ago that we had laid in a supply of enulose for Trouble, who has been having difficulty with her, um, regularity the last few months.  This has caused her to get dehydrated a couple of times, resulting in days spent at the vet with a tube in her poor little arm, so we have been trying to treat her prophylactically by giving her a dose now and then before she gets too plugged up.  (We can tell when she is getting constipated because she goes in her litter box, cries for a little while, and exits without leaving a deposit.  When this happens, out comes the eyedropper.  Getting old ain’t pretty, even for a cat.)

Who Does Your Hair?

Trouble enjoys a $750 visit from the stylist during her brief tenure as head of Dennis’s Pig Powders

ANNOUNCEMENT

HELLO SERVANTS THIS IS TROUBLE THE KITTY. IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT SOME FEEL THAT WE HERE AT TROUBLE’S PIG POWD … UMMM, I MEAN, DENNIS’S PIG POWDERS ARE NOT DOING ALL WE CAN TO FIND THE GOFER BROKE AND ITS CREW AFTER THE TRAGIC AND UTTERLY RANDOM ACCIDENT THAT OCCURRED DURING THE COMPLETELY SABOTAGE-FREE LAUNCH OF THE SHIP. NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. IN FACT, WE HERE AT TROUB … DENNIS’S PIG POWDERS HAVE PRINTED UP LITERALLY ALMOST A DOZEN FLIERS, WHICH WE ARE ROLLING UP AND STUFFING DOWN GOPHER HOLES THROUGHOUT THE VICINITY OF THE FRONT LAWN OF OUR HEADQUARTERS. WE ARE QUITE SURE THAT THESE FLIERS WILL ENSURE THE SAFE RETURN OF OUR BRAVE CREW.

HERE IS A COPY OF THE FLIER. FEEL FREE TO LOOK AT IT. OF COURSE OUR LAWYERS SAY THAT DUE TO DMCA RESTRICTIONS IT IS ILLEGAL TO DOWNLOAD, PRINT, PHOTOCOPY, OR OTHERWISE REPRODUCE THIS MATERIAL. HOWEVER WE WILL BE HAPPY TO SEND COPIES OF THE FLIER TO ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO STUFF ONE DOWN A GOPHER HOLE. PLEASE SEND A SELF-ADDRESSED STAMPED ENVELOPE AND $100 PER COPY YOU WOULD LIKE (TO COVER PRINTING COSTS) TO MY ATTENTION AT TR … DENNIS’S PIG POWDERS HEADQUARTERS. OUR ADDRESS IS PRINTED ON THE BOTTOM OF EVERY CAN OF PIG POWDER WE SELL SO I’M SURE YOU HAVE IT ALREADY.

PURR PURR PURR.

OOPSIE

HELLO SERVANTS THIS IS TROUBLE THE CAT. WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE THERE’S BEEN SOME SORT OF UNFORTUNATE INCIDENT AT THE GOFER BROKE LAUNCH:

THIS IS A TERRIBLE TRAGEDY FOR ALL CONCERNED; IT WOULD SEEM THAT ALL THREE OF THE DOGS WHO USED TO LIVE HERE HAVE BEEN LOST UNDERGROUND. WHAT A SAD DAY. AS PUBLIC RELATIONS DIRECTOR AND RANKING NON-LOST-UNDERGROUND BOARD MEMBER OF DENNIS’S PIG POWDERS, I WILL NOW ASSUME CONTROL OF THE COMPANY.

IF ANYONE NEEDS ME I’LL BE LOUNGING ON THE DOG-FREE COUCH … PURR PURR PURR …

What’s In A (Nick) Name?

So the other day while I was talking with the vet about Trouble, I referred to her (the cat, not the vet) as “Trudy”. Momentarily confused, the vet said, “Oh … I thought her name was Trouble?” I told the vet that “Trudy” was one of Trouble’s nicknames, and we went on with our conversation. That got me thinking, though, about just how many nicknames our animals have, and whether or not other people’s pets have nicknames too.

Anyway, just to prevent any future confusion, here are all of the various names by which we might refer to our various pets, along with etymology (if both non-obvious and available) and use-case scenarios.

poor trouble

hello nice reederz its dennis the vizsla dog this is just a kwik note to let yoo no that trouble the kitty is bak at the vetnamese she hasnt been acting rite the last few days she let me sniff her agin which was fun but weerd the nice vetnamese lady did bludwurk on trouble and it turns owt her “bun” is high its not the kind of bun yoo can eet either and her cre … creat … “creatinine” has tripled since a kuple weeks ago she mite be dehidrated or she mite be having kidney problems so lets all hope sum flooids and laksative will help her feel better and come home agin she is cranky but i like her she smells like tuna

also i want to retrakt my comment about auntie beeing shifty she is akchooally the nice wun she stayd home with me today to play fetch and giv me a lap wile mama and dada wurk and grammy and grampy go to the mithical town of ramona to luk at sumthing calld “sterreo vyoos” at the antike stor i gess yoo luk thru speshal lenzes and see a pickhoor in 3d persunally id rather hav scratchandsniff “smelly-o vyoos” but maybe thats just me ennyway it turns out grammy and grampy are the shifty wuns they put me in my krate yesturday wen they went owt wile mama and dada wer gone i hope auntie stays a wile longer so i kan play with her insted of going in my krate sownds like a plan doesnt it ok bye

Get Out Of My Face

Since we’ve been giving Trouble clavamox for her tooth extractions, she’s taken to sleeping in her box instead of her cat cup, perhaps thinking that we (a) won’t be able to find her or (b) won’t be able to give her the antibiotics when she’s in there. It doesn’t work, of course; nothing deters my wife from torturing my kitty — umm, I mean, administering medication as directed!*

“Can’t a girl hide in her box without having someone lift the door and shove an eyedropper down her throat?”

*Always, always, always finish your course of antibiotics!

puparazi

hello nice reederz its dennis the vizsla dog even tho she likes to tawk tuff i hav pruf that trouble the kitty reely duz like peepul heer it is dont tell her i hav this video or she will work me ovr gud altho i probly dont reely have to worry she never leevs her cat cup ennyway ok bye

THIS IS MY REWARD FOR GETTING BETTER???

HELLO HUMAN SERVANTS.  THIS IS TROUBLE THE CAT.  I HAVE BEEN FEELING MUCH BETTER AFTER MY PROBLEM EARLIER THIS YEAR.  THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR KIND COMMENTS AND CONCERN.  IT IS ONLY WHAT I DESERVE AS A SUPERIOR CAT BEING.  PURR PURR PURR.

HOWEVER.

TODAY I SUFFERED THE INDIGNITY OF BEING STUFFED INTO A PLASTIC CRATE, HAULED OFF TO THE VET, POKED, PRODDED, AND DRUGGED.  WHEN I WOKE UP, THREE OF MY TEETH WERE GONE.  GRANTED, THOSE TEETH HURT WHEN I CHEWED AND ONE OF THEM WAS CRACKED, BUT THEY ARE MY TEETH AND YOU CAN’T HAVE THEM.  I WANT THEM BACK.

TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, SOMEONE TOOK PICTURES OF MY MOUTH WHILE I WAS UNCONSCIOUS!  IS THIS SOME SORT OF SICK JOKE?  WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?  JUST BECAUSE I AM A BIG CELEBRITY NOW DOES NOT MEAN I WILL TOLERATE BEING TREATED LIKE BRITNEY SPEARS.  PURR PURR PURR.

I AM PRETTY SURE THAT DENNIS IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS SOMEHOW.  HE WILL PAY.  OH YES, HE WILL PAY.

MEOW.

– TROUBLE